As a lost person, and as a Christian, I have done things that I am not proud of; however, I have been cleaned. Even the apostle John wrote about this very concept: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:9). Another reminder we have been cleansed from our unrighteousness when we have confessed our sins to God. Although the Sunday School lesson focused on our relationship with and the forgiveness of others and the impact it has on our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ the main point that Eddy kept coming to is how our hardened hearts – full of unforgiveness and bitterness – can keep us from enjoying and growing our relationship with God. My heart had become hardened towards forgiving myself; this prevented me from being able to spiritually heal from those failures and from fully enjoying my relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ.
Having worked the sound booth during Sunday morning’s service, I decided to spend much of it in prayer about not only the Sunday School lesson, but asking my Lord and Savior to help me overcome this area of my life that has kept me in bondage. I was reminded of the woman caught in the act of adultery and how the pharisees threw her at the feet of Jesus and demanded what be done with her. After a quick teaching about the law and sin, the pharisees left leaving the woman, Jesus, and disciples alone. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life (John 8:10-12).
Just as the pharisees tossed this woman face first, and in the dirt, at the feet of Jesus and demanding immediate judgment against her, I allowed Satan to focus my thinking and highlighting my sins – even the ones I had confessed and sought forgiveness for – as a means of keeping me face first in the dirt and denying Jesus Christ of the ability to help me up, dust me off, or to even heal and tend to the spiritual wounds caused by my own unforgiving heart. By the time of the invitation, I asked God to remove the guilt and shame of my past, to help me understand the depth of His forgiveness, and to let me find satisfaction in knowing that all that matters is His forgiveness. Although a simple prayer, I felt a wave of joy, happiness, and contentment that I have not experienced in quite a while. I could feel the unforgiving spirit of my heart yield to the peace, comfort, and healing that only Jesus Christ could give.
As long as I allowed the unforgiving spirit to reign freely in my life I was denying Christ the ability to replace that old bitter, stony heart with a new heart. Instead of keeping our old self-centered, cold, unforgiving hearts, Christ wants to give us a new heart – one that is warm, Christ centered, and inviting. I don’t have to keep a mental catalog of my sins, of my failures, and shortcomings once I have confessed them. I don’t need to allow Satan to continually use my wicked and evil doings of my past to sabotage the blessings that God has for me. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I went to our church’s second Sunday singing with a clear conscious – not only had I not prepared anything, but I didn’t feel guilty about it. For the first time, and a part of me wants to say – ever, I allowed myself to be blessed by the service rather than allowing the catalog of shortcomings, failures, and guilt from events in my past to dominate the workings of the Holy Spirit in the service.
If you’re a Christian and also struggling with this, let me be the first to tell you it will continue to be a wedge between you, those you love, and the Lord Jesus Christ. It will prevent you from developing a richer, stronger, and more meaningful relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. It will keep you from seeing things through a Christ-centered perspective and from enjoying the fellowship with Christ that He desires to spend with each believer.
