A terrible feeling of guilt
My immature approach to marriage and the resulting divorces led to tremendous guilt. I had uncles and aunts who had been married and divorced multiple times. And I also remember how the rest of the family passed judgment on them. And now I was one of those who the family would talk about at any get-together. There was the guilt also of not being able to keep the promise to death do us part. Even though I was not saved, I knew there was something important about it and I had failed to keep my promise.
There were other issues I was also fighting. Being in the Army and deployed to two different combat zones, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and am disabled because of my military service. And both PTSD and my disabilities contribute to depression. Depression only intensified the feelings of guilt, failure, abandonment, and worthlessness, I already felt. As I’ve shared before, in 2006, in a time of extreme darkness and despair, the Lord reached down to me.
Yes, the Lord still cares.
In 2006, I came to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I had come to the end of what I could handle and often thought about suicide. On August 21, 2006, I became so desperate for answers I pulled my car over, got out, and cried, “God, if you’re there and you want me to believe, I will do whatever you ask if you show me who you are.” And I added that I would study the Bible as seriously as I was studying for my degree.
That very moment, the Lord made Himself known. I felt a calming, reassuring, and loving presence at that moment that I never felt before. And for me, that’s when my healing began. This blog entry is already longer than I thought it would be and in time, I will share some of the things the Lord has taught me about my past, about forgiveness, and His complete love for me. That afternoon, learning that the Lord was right there and waiting for me to allow Him to come into my life changed me.
It’s been a struggle learning what His plan for marriage is while unlearning everything marriage is not. It has taken a lot of prayer and soul searching for understanding my part in those failed marriages. If you’re going through a separation or a divorce, you’re not alone. God is right there with you, waiting for you to hand him the broken pieces. I’ll also offer this advice, too. If you’re not in a good, strong church, find one. Find a place where the members welcome you with open arms and a loving heart. This, too, is important in the healing process.
Give yourself time to grieve. Yes, even if you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you will grieve when that relationship comes to an end. And most of all, remember that if Christ Jesus can forgive you, there’s nothing anyone can do to separate you from the love and forgiveness of the Lord.
