Tag Archives: divorce

Off the cuff: The misleadings of our own understanding

Posted on July 10, 2012 by | Comments Off on Off the cuff: The misleadings of our own understanding

Why should I go to church when it’s full of hypocrites?

In the last six days I have had this statement/question asked of me by two different people.  The first is my eighteen year old daughter; the other is a late twenty-something former student of mine who has kept in contact.  Both are Christians and both young ladies have had difficult lives to say the least.  Both want to do what is right and are looking for the sweet fellowship, support and love from brothers and sisters in Christ that we all need and desire.  Both are members of a church that for various reasons no longer offers that love, support, and fellowship to meet their needs.

Hannah, my eighteen year old daughter, recently told me that she no longer goes to church because the one she was going to is “full of hypocrites.”  She then told me that her pastor had an affair on his wife; for that reason, she was not going back to church but was going to read her Bible at home. She even added that no where in the Bible did it teach that one had to go to church.  She was totally unfamiliar with what the apostle Paul wrote: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching (Hebrews 10:25).

Monday morning, I ran into my former student at the post office in the town where I live.  As we exchanged pleasantries, she asked me if she could ask me a personal question – she asked what I thought she should do about going to church.  She told me that she did file for divorce in May 2012 from her husband of eleven months.  When she moved back home with her infant daughter, she began attending the church where she grew up.  She had sweet memories of what it was like when she was a child and wanted her daughter to be surrounded by that kind of warmth, support, and love.

Instead, she became an object lesson for her church, was asked not to participate in (or offer support to) certain church ministries.  She was further disheartened when another young woman, divorced since January, was asked to teach a vacation Bible School class; when she asked why the pastor or youth minister why she could not help, she was not told any reason except it was not her place to question the decisions of the church leadership.  She was not angry about it, just deeply hurt.  She told me that she was done with churches since there was obviously a perceived double standard.

As we talked for another ten minutes I was asked how I would have handled the situation – the rejection of service by the leadership of the church.  I shared with her an experience I had in 1996 – I had been married for three years and had been medically discharged from the U.S. Army in March of that year.  My wife left me to move in with her old high school boyfriend, taking my children with her.  At the time, I was the song leader of a small, independent Baptist church and because of what I was going through, I was asked to immediately resign all my positions within the church.  The pastor of the church did tell me why I could no longer serve; I was told that Jesus cannot use divorced people in the ministries of the church!  For the next handful of years I struggled with church attendance, “hypocrisy” of the church, and not trust[ing] in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

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Living a life that reflect’s God’s plan (Part 4)

Posted on July 3, 2012 by | Comments Off on Living a life that reflect’s God’s plan (Part 4)

For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing (II Timothy 4:6-8).

 In the previous installment of this series, the focus was primarily on how our spouses must be the second most important thing in our lives next to our personal relationship with God.  I briefly mentioned that for those that are not married, that according to the apostle Paul, their focus should be on the immediate family and the needs of the church.  It is important to include within this series a truth that’s not often preached upon but is much needed in the lives of those who are single, never married, divorced, or widowed:  God still desires your service!

Within our churches, adults that have never married and those who go through divorce, regardless of the reasons, often find themselves without opportunities for service.  As I went through my divorce, I found myself asked to step down from my role as song leader and Sunday school teacher.  I was even told that regardless of the reasons for the divorce, my Christian service was finished.  Nearly twenty years later, I have learned that it is simply not true.  Paul wrote that those who are married are not to seek to end the marriage and in the same sentence he ties it to the idea that those who are divorced are not to seek to be remarried (I Corinthians 7:27-28).  Instead of focusing on getting into another relationship, it is important to focus on our own healing and on serving God through the ministry of the church.

As did I, many Christians that go through a divorce find themselves feeling as if there are no places for us to serve within the local church.  Although divorce is the reason that one has become “loosed” it is not what should define that person.  It is the same with the single adult as well-intended and meaning friends (even members of the church) begin to wonder what is wrong with that person that has caused them to go unmarried; this also becomes an unneeded and unwarranted definition of single adulthood.

Our churches are full of adults that are single that have a sincere desire to serve God but with no opportunities to do so.  As I have found from experience and as sung by many in churches there’s a work for all to do.  Since adult singles do not have a spouse and may not have kids, their second priority is not their employment; their life’s second priority should be within their own families or to those within their local church.  Paul spends a great deal of time in his letters teaching the churches in Asia Minor that older men and women should teach the younger how to be good husbands and wives; he also teaches that the church needs to care for the aged, the widow, the poor, and the orphan.  Yes, a married person can do all those things, but as Paul wrote their focus should be on their spouse first (Titus 2:2-4; I Corinthians 7:34).

I stumbled upon this almost by accident when I went through my second divorce.  What I learned is that there are needs in every church that can be met and have the added benefit of being therapeutic for those that do them.  Take the time each week to mail a post card to the homebound of your church. Cook meals for those who are undergoing medical procedures, family difficulties, or homebound.  Visit church members that are in the hospital or take a shut in into town to the grocery store and maybe a quick bite to eat at a local restaurant. Volunteer to watch the children of a single parent; offer to babysit the children of a young couple for an afternoon.  The possibilities are endless, the need is great, and you will find yourself learning more about others and yourself than ever before.

Don’t forget the words of Jesus Christ on this very topic when he taught And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me (Matthew 25:40).

 

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Living a life that reflects God’s plan (Part 3)

Posted on June 21, 2012 by | Comments Off on Living a life that reflects God’s plan (Part 3)

For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing (II Timothy 4:6-8).

 In the last installment of Living a life that reflect’s God’s plan, we looked at how God must have top priority in our life.  He is our creator and redeemer.  He is what brought us into existence and is there when we draw our last breath.  Too many times every one of us has placed something in front of God; we may not have planned to do that but it does happen.  The second most important relationship that Christians have is with their spouse if they are married; if unmarried, they are to seek after God and to focus on him and their earthly family.

The apostle Paul writes that if we are not married, we are not to seek to be married: Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you (I Corinthians 7:27-28). This is hard for many to accept, including myself.  Those around us, such as our family and friends, encourage us to seek that special person; even family reunions stigmatize unmarried adults by putting them at the same table with all the children.  Our movies and entertainment sends a clear message that unless we have that special someone, we are not complete. In my own life, I have rushed into relationships that were spiritually and physically unhealthy for the sake of having that “someone.”  Our churches are filled with divorcees who rushed into marriage that they sought out rather than to wait for who God would bring.

In that same passage, Paul also tells us not to seek separation from our spouses if we are married.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I teach at a local community college and have been involved in higher education for the last nine years.  Each semester I hear stories from the students in class about their marriages, divorces, and dating habits.  Not counting those who have been victims of abuse, domestic violence, and infidelity, too many marriages are ending for the wrong reasons.  About three years ago, I actually had a man in his late 20s tell me that he and his wife of four years were getting a divorce because he wanted a dog and she was allergic to animal dander!  Older couples who have been married for twenty or more years also divorce; many claiming that they no longer know their spouse!  These couples have managed to elevate something else – kids, jobs, dogs – in the place that God had ordained for their spouse.

Paul instructs both men and women, married and unmarried, young and old, that we all have roles to fulfil in order to strengthen the family and church.  Older couples are to be the role model for younger couples; the older men teaching to the younger men what it means to be a father and husband, the older women teaching younger women what it means to be a wife and mother.

Since the early 20th Century, we have witnessed attacks on traditional marriage; most pointing out that the Bible calls for women to be submissive to their husbands. While the Bible does say this, those who complain about it never continue to read the passage where Paul instructs the husbands to love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25).  Men are to love their wives to the extent they should be willing to die to defend and protect her.  A godly, Bible based marriage is not one in which the husband dominates and rules over the wife, but one where both are co-equals, supporting one another, but where the man is held accountable to God.

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